Union

Marriage

I struggled with the heading for a while. I was wondering if I should use 'marriage' or 'wedding' as I reckon most people will be fixated with the ideal perfect wedding these days, rather than thinking through what a marriage means to them. Indeed, the idea of marriage has come a long way. And throughout all these years (or rather decades), we have seen a radical shift of the mindset (of rather the society) towards wedding. I'm talking about Singapore here, if you are still wondering. Yes, right here in the country where I was born - Singapore. It's pretty absurd! But there is still hope, read all the way to my conclusion at the bottom. And if you do not have the time, just pay $42 at the Registry of Marriage and get it done with. The marriage is obviously more important than the wedding!

Wedding

As far as I could remember, from the time when I had attended the first wedding and to the time when people asked me about the perfect wedding, I was often speechless or I didn't know what to expect. But years gone by, I have started to get a clearer picture of the Singaporean Wedding Template - Hotel Ballroom, Childhood Montage, Thank you speeches, a gazillion (jkjk) outfit changes and a whole lot of societal expectation coupled with the evolution of the wedding industry. Here is the thing. Let's get real. Wedding costs in Singapore is no joke. Alright this might be an understatement but seriously if you ask me, I would boldly say that the wedding industry in Singapore is redonkulous! Yes I know, most of us would say everything in Singapore is getting more expensive, weddings included. First world costs, first world country? I don't know, really. But I believe your guess is as good as mine. At the end of the day, it's all about expectations and the values you choose to believe in. Well, to each his own. And not only you. Your future-to-be spouse included. And of course, your parents and your in-laws included if you consider the broader picture. Unless he/she (or both) are super pragmatic people, then you are better off with spending only SGD$42 (the current price now in year 2019) for a marriage certificate with the Registry of Marriage at Fort Canning. No pun intended though, but you get the drift. You can even throw a wedding meal (lunch or dinner) at some restaurants which is more affordable (and also less pretentious) with people you really care about, and not 'headcounts' to cover costs. Now let's see where the evolution of marriage (dream weddings and the what-nots) has lead us to where we are today.

Expectations

Now, before I dive into the details which sounds pretty logical and straight forward, please take a moment to reflect and discuss with your partner what do you really want. However, it is also prudent to think carefully what you plan for your wedding before you say 'I do'. You certainly do not want to spend the early years of your married life stressing over money matters, especially if you are planning to buy a property and having kids. I am not an expert on money matters, but what I do know is the changing landscape of the wedding industry over the past few years, and how it has conditioned people like us to spend (just for the sake of spending), just for the sake of pleasing everyone else, except yourself (and your spouse of course). But of course, if you are rich to splurge, please go ahead and make everyone happy (yourself included).

Hongbao

I remembered those days when I attended the first few weddings as an adult in my life, we would usually stuff a token sum (usually less than SGD$100 in the past) into the red packet (otherwise known as hongbao). How time has changed. You can now search for wedding hongao rates online to find out what is the most appropriate amount to give (amidst permutations of conditions). If I could still recall, I remember vividly that some non-Asians (and Ang Mo) has ever asked why we had such traditions, as in giving out hongbao. For once, I was speechless because I always thought that this was just a gesture of goodwill all this while, for the sole purpose of wishing the couples a happy and blissful marriage. But as time move on, I realized I was wrong. Nowadays. it's all about covering the costs and that is also the reason why we had witnessed the evolution of hongbao rates plastered almost everywhere online. Such is the sad state of wedding in Singapore nowadays! To an extent, I always wondered what kind of society are we advocating when we have such hongbao rates for wedding banquets? Now, I have nothing against giving hongbao, but the senseless societal expectation of covering cost.

Hotels

One decade ago, I read a news article that the average hotel table price has gone past $1000! And the price is still climbing right now while I am writing this article. Now, ladies and gentleman, we have seriously hit the peak of redonkulous. And mind you, it takes both hands to clap. Yes, you! If the consumers (the couple in this sense) do not partake in this seemingly ridiculous practice, then the hotels, planners, photographers wouldn't be able to push the prices up. Demand and supply. Simple as that. Now, if you pause for a while and think about it, why are people even encouraging this ridiculous market rate?

Now, my point is not being critical on the Chinese tradition. (Hello, I'm a Chinese here!) But, we should never expect your guests to part with large amounts of their money (just for fitting into some stupid social norm!) On the other hand, I wondered if anybody has (ever reflect and) realized that all these are perpetually driven by business (hotels, wedding planners, photographers and whatever). If I can put this bluntly, the local wedding scene has literally degenerated into a commercial P&L event. The whole banquet business is literally out of control. Now, which is more important to you? Wedding? Marriage?

Clothes

Brides-to-be can sometimes go overboard when planning their weddings. I believed that most of them would crave for a grand wedding, because that would be once in a lifetime if everything goes well. Now, let's take wedding gowns as an example, since it seems like it is one of the most expensive item. Nowadays. it's so expensive that most people just rent, and also for the fact that you would only use them once in your life, probably. Based on experience and the discussion, most of my friends regretted that they splurged so much in this area. In fact, there are also couples whom prefer to shop at Taobao these days because it is so much cheaper and you get to own the item (which is something I do not quite understand) after the wedding.

Albums

I am actually quite okay with the photo albums because it seems like many couples would like to reminisce these wonderful memories in the future. But there is also a growing number of couples who forgo the idea of engaging photographers and photo albums these days. In fact, I actually have a friend whom confessed to me that his extra large wedding photo was literally lying in his storeroom for a few years when he shifted house.

Diamonds

This is one of the most absurd item for each and every wedding (marriage) to date so far. De Beers guerrilla marketing has come a long way, and I pity so many simple minded brain washed fools to indulge in this precious stone, that would (literally) promised you a lifetime of bliss in your marriage. What a special stone! I could write a full article on diamonds (and the stupidity effect it has on humans) but I won't bore you (yet). Enough said.

Waste

This is a no-brainer. And I am not only talking about food waste. You can go figure that out on your own without any divine intervention. Think about it. Shark fins. Abalone. The list goes on. In fact, these are not even food (but dead animals) to being with. And the sad thing about the Chinese tradition is the namesake, or rather the 'face' value of hosting an extravagant wedding. And by extravagant, it means lots of food on the table where the guests may or may not finish them all. This is only for food waste, how about the rest of the waste that is used and thrown away just for the wedding. Remember, the number of guests you invite will equate to the incremental waste multiplied by the total number of people. From a environmental viewpoint, this also do not make sense as we are talking about a lot of waste going down the hotel rubbish chute at the end of the day. And how many weddings per day? I have no idea, but thinking about it, is just mind boggling! There is indeed a lot of waste created after the wedding. Environmentalists may want to avoid excessive waste. Minimalist might reconsider the modern concept of wedding. Pragmatics like me may just pay $42 only.

Reality

After considering all these nitty-gritty details, I hope I did not paint a pessimistic picture on the reality of weddings here in Singapore. There are still outliers, me included. Outliers who do things differently, and not just focused on the monetary and tradition aspect. To each his own. But my point here is that the wedding industry is really out of hand and it would be good for all of us to pause for a moment and reflect if this is what we really want for our marriage, and also to pass down to the next generations. A few friends has ever considered doing away the banquets, but their hands are also tied due to expectations from families and friends. In fact, I reckon weddings are too uptight here. The groom and the bride has high expectations on this big day, and I personally find it hard for the couple to really enjoy themselves when they are both the stars and planners on this (supposedly big) day! On the other hand, I have also witness that the couple and guests would usually has very little interactions with the couple during the entire wedding, lest said about heartfelt conversations and congratulatory speech.

Retrospect

Please do not get mistaken that I am trying to sell you the idea of a super pragmatic marriage. As I grew older, I realized that most people are just living their lives based on other people's expectations. Why do I say so? I asked a few friends and most of them admitted that there were some impulse spending for their weddings in the past, because it was the norm, or something what most of us in the society considered as sacrosanct. While there were some regrets, but I believe all of us learn from experience. Now, if you are single or getting married soon, you are indeed lucky to read this article. But if you are already married and done the same shit, don't regret too, just immerse in the experience and maintain a blissful marriage. That is more important. Remember, wedding is for 1 day, marriage is for life. It's that simple. If all else fails, true love is still readily available at 7 Canning Rise. True love that stands the test of time, not extravagant weddings!

Yes it is that simple.

Because life should be simple.

大多数人都是为别人而活

结果就活成别人要的样子