Family
It has been more than 100 days since Abby's birth. And I just wanted to take a moment to pen down some thoughts on our experience during the confinement period (we had survived the confinement month!). First and foremost, I am writing in the context of 100 days, rather than 1 month. Reason being 1 month is too short a period for confinement and we believed all mothers should be well rested during the postpartum period. Secondly, I think family support is very important and we were very grateful that we had great support from our families. Most of our relatives and friends were also very thoughtful and understanding throughout this period. Although we had make some plans earlier (before birth), we soon realized that some adjustments were necessary to make our lives easier and to further fine tune the routine that we set to establish in the long run. It was not easy and I also felt that it is very important to set some expectations in the beginning so as to allow my wife and baby to rest (recover) and nurse comfortably during the first few months after the discharge from hospital.
It is very important to manage expectations in the beginning, and by expectation, I am referring to the limit on the number of visitors during the confinement month (or NO visitors at all during the confinement month). In fact, I would suggest that no visitors should be allowed in the first week if you spare a thought for the mother, baby and family in general. Giving birth (both the labor process and postpartum) is a strenuous endeavor and unwanted visitors should know better that both the mother and baby need ample rest for recovery and growth. Most of the time, the mother will still be feeling weak after giving birth in the first few weeks thus I would strongly recommend that newly minted parents should refrain and stop unwanted visitors in the beginning unless both of you are mentally and physically prepared for socializing. Furthermore, the breastfeeding routine has not yet been established thus it would cause unwanted stress if there are visitors and outsiders lurking around in the house. Worst still, they might provide unsolicited advice on how to do this and how to do that. I understand that every family has their own style, to each his own. The baby is still so young and fragile at this stage and you obviously do not want too much noise and banter in your house.
For most relatives and friends, I can understand that all of you are excited to meet the newborn, but please wait to be invited! New babies are lovely, but that doesn't mean you can drop by unannounced, especially in the early days! New parents has plenty to deal with, and unwanted visitors are just insensitive and putting more stress to the family. Yes, you have kind thoughts and some might be a little anxious to see and touch the baby but please keep your good faith in check. Are you doing more harm than good in this case? If you are reading this post and you are anxious to visit your relatives/friends/colleagues during the confinement month, please think through again. But I also do understand that there are insensitive people whom do not care less. Thus, it is very important that parents of a newborn sit down and think through and decide what they want and whom they want to invite during this period.
Relationships are like a garden. You have to nurture it continuously and take good care of it in order for it to flourish. It’s pretty much a closed ecosystem, and even the most subtle hangs affects its balance. After having a newborn baby, it is inevitable that many new responsibilities will arise and this would also affect the current relationship. Who is going to feed the baby? Latching? Bottle feed? Who is going to change the diapers? Who is going to do the laundry? Cooking? Cleaning? Household chores? Luckily for us, we have already discussed about these questions at length and we have also decided that there will be no maids and/or helpers of any kind. We are ready to do all these on our own because we strongly believe that everyone need to be as independent as what they sought to become. Another important point is that we would like Abby to grow up being independent and not simply rely on any domestic helper(s) for any mundane chores at home. While some may think that helpers are important so that the family can spend more time (lest the chores) to care and play with the baby but I beg to differ. Once again, it all boils down to your personal values. We prefer to nurture our family relationship through these mundane activities and we have also realized that while doing these, we are also 'meditating' and doing some self reflection on what is really important for the family. One of the reflection is what do we really need to be happy and comfortable. I guess this is aligned to our wish to lean towards living a minimalist lifestyle, while being self sufficient at the same time without compromising minimal comfort and survival needs.
Expectations
It is very important to manage expectations in the beginning, and by expectation, I am referring to the limit on the number of visitors during the confinement month (or NO visitors at all during the confinement month). In fact, I would suggest that no visitors should be allowed in the first week if you spare a thought for the mother, baby and family in general. Giving birth (both the labor process and postpartum) is a strenuous endeavor and unwanted visitors should know better that both the mother and baby need ample rest for recovery and growth. Most of the time, the mother will still be feeling weak after giving birth in the first few weeks thus I would strongly recommend that newly minted parents should refrain and stop unwanted visitors in the beginning unless both of you are mentally and physically prepared for socializing. Furthermore, the breastfeeding routine has not yet been established thus it would cause unwanted stress if there are visitors and outsiders lurking around in the house. Worst still, they might provide unsolicited advice on how to do this and how to do that. I understand that every family has their own style, to each his own. The baby is still so young and fragile at this stage and you obviously do not want too much noise and banter in your house.
For most relatives and friends, I can understand that all of you are excited to meet the newborn, but please wait to be invited! New babies are lovely, but that doesn't mean you can drop by unannounced, especially in the early days! New parents has plenty to deal with, and unwanted visitors are just insensitive and putting more stress to the family. Yes, you have kind thoughts and some might be a little anxious to see and touch the baby but please keep your good faith in check. Are you doing more harm than good in this case? If you are reading this post and you are anxious to visit your relatives/friends/colleagues during the confinement month, please think through again. But I also do understand that there are insensitive people whom do not care less. Thus, it is very important that parents of a newborn sit down and think through and decide what they want and whom they want to invite during this period.
Relationships
Relationships are like a garden. You have to nurture it continuously and take good care of it in order for it to flourish. It’s pretty much a closed ecosystem, and even the most subtle hangs affects its balance. After having a newborn baby, it is inevitable that many new responsibilities will arise and this would also affect the current relationship. Who is going to feed the baby? Latching? Bottle feed? Who is going to change the diapers? Who is going to do the laundry? Cooking? Cleaning? Household chores? Luckily for us, we have already discussed about these questions at length and we have also decided that there will be no maids and/or helpers of any kind. We are ready to do all these on our own because we strongly believe that everyone need to be as independent as what they sought to become. Another important point is that we would like Abby to grow up being independent and not simply rely on any domestic helper(s) for any mundane chores at home. While some may think that helpers are important so that the family can spend more time (lest the chores) to care and play with the baby but I beg to differ. Once again, it all boils down to your personal values. We prefer to nurture our family relationship through these mundane activities and we have also realized that while doing these, we are also 'meditating' and doing some self reflection on what is really important for the family. One of the reflection is what do we really need to be happy and comfortable. I guess this is aligned to our wish to lean towards living a minimalist lifestyle, while being self sufficient at the same time without compromising minimal comfort and survival needs.
Essentials
We had a plan last year, and we had started to buy most of the essentials during the third trimester. Thus, we were pretty comfortable with what we already had before Abby came to our lives. We have created a comfortable nest in the living room and I really liked the fact that we had quite a spacious living room where we can all sleep (or rather co-sleep) together during the night time. By doing so, we would hope that the habit of co-sleeping could be reinforced and Abby would feel safe and comfortable, knowing that we are by their side during night time. Most of our essentials are stored and kept in the living room and we tried to keep all the stuff to a minimum so that at first glance, we can quickly see what's in store and what is lacking. In fact, we still have not bought any suitable baby carriers and strollers at this stage and Abby is already more than 3 months old as of now. And yes, most of our baby clothes are hands me down from friends thus we saved a lot for clothes and we did our part to save the environment at the same time by not purchasing new clothes from the departmental stores.
The science behind colic is interesting, albeit confusing at the same time. Most families will definitely experience this arduous period of sleepless nights due to the colicky nature of a new born baby, and we are no different. But we are quite lucky in the sense that it lasted not more than a week for us, and it happened quite early by the 6th week. In fact, Abby has already started to sleep through for most nights (around 6 hours) during the 8th week and a maximum of 9 hours by 3 months. In retrospect, my worst experience lasted for 2-3 hours during the 6th week. I had recalled that Abby was crying non-stop in the middle of the night no matter what we had done to pacify and calm her down. We changed her diapers, fed her, changed her into pyjamas, swaddle her, pat her, sing lullabies, soothing, etc but her eyes was still wide open. I understand there is quite a lot of advice and contents on colic, but I guess there is no one-size-fits-all approach to handle this colicky situation. Being a new parent myself, I salute all parents going through this stage of their lives. Been that, done that.
Taking care of a newborn baby is a very tedious task. And by tedious, I mean literally 24 by 7 non stop (unless when he/she sleeps for a while). It is a full time job and you cannot take time off or applied for leave (not even when you are tired, burnt out or fall sick). As a matter of fact, I also know that we do not have the luxury of time to do what we want to do as and when we want, or when we like. But I do believe in taking quality short breaks, either alone or as a couple. I go to the nearby parks for a walk, taking my time to go for a meal on your own or going for a short run at the stadium, reservoir or beach. I think that really helps to take my (or your) focus away and provide some rejuvenation once you are back home. Of course, please make sure that someone (that you trust) is at home to take care of the baby.
Colic
The science behind colic is interesting, albeit confusing at the same time. Most families will definitely experience this arduous period of sleepless nights due to the colicky nature of a new born baby, and we are no different. But we are quite lucky in the sense that it lasted not more than a week for us, and it happened quite early by the 6th week. In fact, Abby has already started to sleep through for most nights (around 6 hours) during the 8th week and a maximum of 9 hours by 3 months. In retrospect, my worst experience lasted for 2-3 hours during the 6th week. I had recalled that Abby was crying non-stop in the middle of the night no matter what we had done to pacify and calm her down. We changed her diapers, fed her, changed her into pyjamas, swaddle her, pat her, sing lullabies, soothing, etc but her eyes was still wide open. I understand there is quite a lot of advice and contents on colic, but I guess there is no one-size-fits-all approach to handle this colicky situation. Being a new parent myself, I salute all parents going through this stage of their lives. Been that, done that.
Breastfeeding
This is a very broad and long topic and we might dedicate a post some time later on our journey to breastfeed Abby. Our family is pro-breastfeeding and the fact that we are plant-based vegans, further reinforced our belief on the benefits of breastfeeding. Like all mammals, a human mother produces milk for the sole purpose of nourishing her baby. Likewise, a female cow's milk is for their calves, and not meant for humans. And that is why we choose breastfeeding and why we choose to be a plant-based vegan family. We believe that breastfeeding will give Abby a good head start on her nutrition needs and set a good foundation for her plant-based diet in the future. Our short term goal is to breastfeed Abby for at least one year and we will see how it goes when the date nears. It is tiring for my wife but we believed that breast milk is nutritious and essential for Abby's development.
Sleep
I knew we are going to be sleep deprived when Abby is here. That's for sure. The first month was hard, but somehow we got used to it over time. Don't get me wrong. We are still sleep deprived but I guessed we eventually got the hang of it and we had tried to improvise and find different methods to extend the feeding cycles, as well as to shorten the time taken for feeding and soothing. It was also the first time that we experienced first hand how it was going to be like, and not just by hearing from other parents. Thus the knowledge gained is more personal and we were able to use our own methods to improve over time. I reckon it is much better now because the feeding cycles has been extended, and Abby has began to sleep through for at least 7-8 hours during the night. In fact, we are beginning to figure out on how to act fast during the night feedings so that Abby gets back into sleep mode as quickly as possible. For that, I want to thank my wife as she is doing the night feeding most of the time.
Break
Taking care of a newborn baby is a very tedious task. And by tedious, I mean literally 24 by 7 non stop (unless when he/she sleeps for a while). It is a full time job and you cannot take time off or applied for leave (not even when you are tired, burnt out or fall sick). As a matter of fact, I also know that we do not have the luxury of time to do what we want to do as and when we want, or when we like. But I do believe in taking quality short breaks, either alone or as a couple. I go to the nearby parks for a walk, taking my time to go for a meal on your own or going for a short run at the stadium, reservoir or beach. I think that really helps to take my (or your) focus away and provide some rejuvenation once you are back home. Of course, please make sure that someone (that you trust) is at home to take care of the baby.
Advice
The key here is on job training (OJT). This is perhaps one of the most tiring (albeit rewarding) job that I have ever done in my life. I can't speak for my wife but I'm glad that she is having quite a bit of fun and I have begun to see the motherly side of her during this period. I believe this is a never ending process and we are always learning on the job. In fact, I am still learning new things every single day as to how we can better adjust the daily routine to suit everyone's needs. For new parents out there, hang in there! It is going to be tiring but I believed you will also reminisce these memories when the baby grows up.
